I have been on a long journey of infertility that has been emotionally and spiritually exhausting. These past few months, God has led me on a journey of discovering the idols in my life – the things that I’ve been holding as more dear to me than Him. He led me to the realization that I was holding “ being pregnant” as an idol in my life. There’s nothing wrong with desiring to be pregnant, but because I was consumed with it, it was wrong. It was an idol for me. It was sin.
The Lord started slowly stripping me of this. He showed me that I am a precious child, created in exactly the way he wants me to be. The words of Psalm 139 verses 13-16 were not just true for the baby I desired, they were true for ME!
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
It’s comforting to know that He didn’t make a mistake when He made me. He’s not surprised that I’ve had these struggles all my life. He’s got every single one of my days – pregnant or not – written already. So, I started asking myself if I would still praise and worship Him if I NEVER GOT PREGNANT AGAIN. This was a very difficult question for me to face. Would I really, seriously be okay with it? I was really facing this issue for the first time.
The Lord led me to read the story of Leah and Rachel. Jacob married both women, but neither of them was happy. Leah had all the kids in the world, but she didn’t have Jacob’s love. Rachel was barren but had Jacob’s undivided affection. Neither of them was satisfied. Both of them turned away from God and sought their happiness in the things of this world and both of them were miserable. Wow!
Last month the doctors told me that I probably didn’t ovulate and that my progesterone levels were way too low. I decided that I was going to take a pregnancy test the next day before I started the final round of infertility treatments.
My journal entry that night is especially powerful:
“I’ve got to let go of my desire to be pregnant again. I’ve got to re-align my focus and set it on you, Oh Lord. Please help me. Last month I felt like I’d lost hope of ever having another baby – but losing hope is not the answer. Because those who hope in YOU renew their strength. The answer is choosing to turn it all over to you. Changing the focus of my hope – not in childbearing, but in YOU. I could have 10 kids, but if my hope isn’t in YOU, I won’t be happy. I need to seek you and be open to how you are using me thru this process. What do you want to teach me? What do you want me to share with others? I may or may not ever be pregnant again, and I have to be okay with that. WITH MAN IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT NOT WITH GOD. FOR ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD. (MARK 10:27) It is possible to change my focus and to be fully satisfied in YOU.
The next morning, I got up early to take the test. It was like a bolt of lightning hit me when the positive line started showing right away. All I could do was watch in amazement as the line got darker and darker. OH MY GOSH! Is this for real? Thank you Jesus! I jumped up and ran back to the bedroom to tell my husband the good news. It was the most amazing moment!
The Lord truly wanted every single ounce of glory for this baby. Every baby is a miracle, but this baby – well, there’s no medical reason for this baby to be here! It’s 100% God! He used my low progesterone levels, he used my tiny ovulation, he used our “not keeping a schedule” and He made a baby!
We are now right at 8 weeks. We had an ultrasound today and it was wonderful! We saw the little peanut and heard the very strong heartbeat. It was amazing!
I continue to pray that God will use me during this time for His glory. I continue to ask Him that no matter what happens in my life, may I NEVER give anything the power to make me or to break me. Only Jesus deserves that right. He is the only one able to handle that responsibility.
Please continue to pray for me and for the sweet baby in my tummy. We are very excited to be on this journey again and blessed BEYOND measure!
All Glory to the Father!
WITH MAN IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT NOT WITH GOD. FOR ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD. (MARK 10:27)
Editor’s Note: Praise God for this new little MK. Pray that God would use this missionary’s story to touch the lives of the women around her. Pray that she will be able to comfort and encourage others with the comfort she has received. Praise God that HE alone is our hope!
(names, locations and blog links omitted due to security issues; stock photos)